Help me fool Freak Nature Puppets (revenge plot)
Their weird inventions have been crowding my lines and I'm sick of it.
Hey everybody, it’s me, the bouncer outside Club O. Kenny. K. Sloozy. Also known as Time Herself? Okay, if you don’t know me by now, you’re probably living under a rock. I’m the only bouncer of the most popular and exclusive club in town: Club O. The Berghain of LA, the Space Mountain of Disneyland, the cream to your corn, the tick to everybody’s tock. I’m sick and tired of yuppies like you not knowing who I am and how tough I am. Things have gotten completely out of control around here. Squares have been trying to sneak in with circles, O’s have been turning into triangles, and the last time I was bouncing, a guy ripped off his coat and had nothing underneath. Not just not clothes, but like no skin!! What in the name of Daylight Savings is wrong with this world?!
I’ve been watching this new troupe in town, Freak Nature Puppets, closely for the past month and I think it has something to do with all the crazy sh*t they’re up to. One day, they’re building a giant toilet, the next day they’re running a horse race where camels are allowed to enter, the next, they’re fooling around with a bunch of strange looking clown-types in what I’m pretty sure is a crime family named Il Fungo. I’m sick of it. We need some new management around here. Back when I started, it was just O’s going in O-shaped doors, nothing more. Simple as that.
And Freak Nature has big plans too. Last time I eavesdropped on one of their unsettling secret meetings, they were talking about some big “residency” they have coming up at the “Elysian Theater.” Doing some sort of “work-in-progress show” on “April 24th.” I have no idea what it means but it can’t be good. They’re building whole new creatures that are going to try to get into my club when they JUST CAN’T FiT!!! We gotta do something about it!! I heard from a friend Chad Damiani (pronounce it Day-Mee-Ay-Knee) that they already crashed his 2-year anniversary show and moved their damn furniture onto his stage! What an uproar!
Here’s my plan: we all buy tickets to their Work In Progress show on April 24th and infiltrate from the inside. When they’re asking for feedback on their project, we tell ‘em all the worst ideas we have!! We tell ‘em only un-funny jokes! We laugh at all the wrong moments! By the end of it, they’ll be so confused that they’ll make their final show into some sort of convoluted mess! And they’ll never see it coming!
I heard the LA Times wrote an article with ‘em this month, so maybe we can invite them to see this stuff go down. They’ll destroy ‘em in the newspaper like we used to do. Old school. I heard they were also in a couple music videos recently and some tour visuals for Cherry Glazerr. So we know publicity is important to them and bad publicity could really get to their heads!!
Come join in on my plan and I’ll get you into Club O on me the weekend after. And if you can’t make that show, I’ve got some other little shows on my list where you can go and bother them:
March 30, the Puppet Slam with the LA Puppet Guild
April 27, at Non Plus Ultra with Currant Jam Magazine
May 30, for their second work in progress show at the Elysian
I think if we all pack the house at these events we can really mess things up for this weird troupe of inventors. And then their stupid ideas won’t be crowding my lines on the weekend anymore!
Seems like they also have some new shirts they’re selling too, featuring this guy I know that comes to the club sometimes, Norris. Who do they think they are, featuring one of my guys? As though they know who can get into Club O better than me? If you grab one of their shirts at an event, be sure to come by the club so we can write somethin’ really shady on it.
Anyways, things have been okay at the club the last couple days, I think Freak Nature has been taking a break. Or, more likely, they’re brewing some even bigger plans that are not gonna make me happy. I wish they’d just leave this town already. Any towns nearby want to host them? I heard they’re going on tour in August. Let’s make sure they don’t find their way back, if you catch my drift. Anyways, I gotta go, I’m on shift tonight and I’ve heard there’s a fruit convention a few miles away that invited too many grapes. No way they haven’t heard of Club O already.
By the way, if anyone’s seen this lady in the picture below, please chase her down for me. I saw her outside the club but I never got her number. She’s one of the most beautiful broads I’ve ever seen. I mean, just look at me, it’s love at first god damn sight. I’m turning into a romantic like my old man. I’ve never seen her before and I never saw her again, but if you see her in the picture, I know you’re falling in love with her too. Keep your hands off and we can be pals. But bring me her digits. I don’t got any hands. I have big plans for us two, and they include Twister and Valentine’s Day (the movie).
Catch you outside the club.